I accidentally had phone sex last night
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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