Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
