I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
