Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Sober January is a disaster.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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