i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Randomize
