Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize