I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
