it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
