Swine flu. Run for my life!
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
