then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
