I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I am spending my child support on dildos
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
