I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
