I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
