My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
