i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
