Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
