Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
So apparently I’m into choking now
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
