you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize