My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
