I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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