it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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