Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
