if i can run in heels then i can drive
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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