so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Where are you guys?
Drunk
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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