What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
we're making bets on your personal life
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
