it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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