She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
