Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
