whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Randomize
