o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
