I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Four minutes until I can fart!
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize