can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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