today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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