When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
