my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
