My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
