Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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