the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I just gift wrapped bread.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Randomize
