Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
