that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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