Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Randomize
