I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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