you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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