I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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