I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize