Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I want her autograph on my taint
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
