I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
