you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize