i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
