I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Less talking, more tequila
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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