Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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