i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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