my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
