Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
You left your phone here
Wait...
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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