my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
