the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
