I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
