I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
