I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
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