you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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